I wonder....



"Where did i go wrong, i lost a friend somewhere along in the bitterness..."

Thats a line from Fray's 'How to save a life' ..... my current song lowe... hahaha.. only prob is...the line is hitting me hard... why? Coz i'm wondering where i went wrong.... coz i lost a brother.... somewhere in the bitterness... what bitterness? Let me recap

I 'had' a cousin...I use the word had not because he's not alive... but because he refuses to be my brother now... and i've also disowned him... eventually...

I used to consider him my 'number 1 brother' when i was little... haha.. he was my fav then.. we used to b so close... back then he lived in calcutta and only came during the summer hols... but he always remembered my birthdays.. sent cards... his amazing handwriting that i was always jealous of... man.. those were the days....

The summer hols would b packed with fun... torture (For me!)... and everytime he left i'd be upset... waiting for the ensuing quarterly or half yearly hols when he would come again... to play wit him again... he threatened me to call him my best bro coz only then he'd talk to me... so i did... and now..... WHERE DID I GO WRONG?

He moved to chennai wen i was in ma 6th... him in his 7th... things were much better... he lived close by... and the two cousins i had grown up wit used to visit all the time... we were the 3 monkeys.. the 3 musketeers... whatever you could call it... we had amazing times together.. movies... moneyless loitering... ice cream treats... talking about random things... i spent every birthday with them... it was a ritual... if i'd gone off wit friends they'd pommel me wit hits... my birthdays were reserved for them... .



The many times i used to get so mad at him coz he always teased me... he could never shut up... at some point i thought he didn't like me... and somehow he just stuck on to me coz my other cousin did... and well.. coz he was destined to b my brother forever.. but now? WHERE DID I GO WRONG?

Then was me entering a very dangerous phase of teenage where i made random friends... they stood by me when they had to.. especially him.. he was being protective.. but i thot he was irritating... he tried to warn me.. i thot he was unfair.. he tried to be realistic.. i thought he was just being an idiot... he told me he knew from experience.. i thought he was lying.. i fought with him for the first time in my life....

It shocked the hell out of both me n him that i would fight with him over a random guy who was then a friend.... but i spoke a lot of words that i immediately regretted.. but bcoz of a lil ego i refused to apologise... i blamed him... for not understanding... for saying wrong things... for not standing by me bcoz he knew i was doing the wrong thing.. but i was the one who refused to understand... and that was my biggest mistake...

The other cousin tried to explain but not once did i listen.. but only then i learnt how he really felt about this sister who slapped him for tryin to help... i heard how much he respected me... how much he loved me... and guilt hit me like a huge boulder... i wanted to crawl under the earth and die....

i tried to apologise... he waved it off.. and came back again... but things were never the same again... we still hung out... we still went to movies... but he never interfered in my life again.. and i missed it... but i didn't think much..

The very next year.. he was embroiled in a very bad situation at home... i will not go into details... i wanted to help... but he refused to let me or anyone reach out to him... why? i will never know... he never told us what he was goin thru... and the three of us were supposedly so close.. why? i will never know... and that was when it began..

His ignorance... his utter disregard for me... his request to leave him alone and not be a part of his life... i tried to reason out wit him... but he wasn't ready to listen... just like i wasn't... a year ago...

All this was 4 years ago... the situation hasn't bettered...

He still doesn't talk... or say hi wen we meet on the road... eventually i had to let go... not because i wanted to... but because i had to since there was no point holding on to someone who wanted to run away... and someone who didn't want me to be a part of his life anymore.... I made myself dislike him... because i didn't want to miss someone who didn't miss me...

We live two roads apart.. we walk away wen we see each other.. no flicker of recognition in his eyes... no smile... none of those things we had shared ...
He looks at me as though he looks at a stranger... and sometimes... just sometimes... he looks a little longer than he should and i smile... he remembers....

I see he has changed... changed so much that it may not be possible to get back to being how it was again... i have also changed... and our lifestyles may not connect again... he may go away somewhere and i may never see him again... who knows..

But i'm yet to know why he stopped talking to me all of a sudden.... i'm yet to know if he still thinks of all those good times we had.. i'm yet to know if he misses the both of us he left behind... I complete my post with these 'well scripted lines'

"As he begins to raise his voice
You lower yours and grant him one last choice
Drive until you lose the road
Or break with the ones you've followed
He will do one of two things
He will admit to everything
Or he'll say he's just not the same
And you'll begin to wonder why you came

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness"

8 comments:

Thoorika said...

awww.. pick up the phone and give him a ring na...

Elithraniel Arawion said...

lol I WISH

Vaporizing Phantasm said...

mmm... I know the feeling.

Like I always quote

"A thousand words couldn't bring you back, I know because I tried. Neither could a thousand tears, I know because I cried. You left me with a broken heart, and happy memories too, but I never wanted the memories... All I wanted was you"

“I always thought we'd look back on our tears and laugh, but I never thought we'd look back on our laughter and cry.”


and listen to this:

"Schism"
---Tool

I know the pieces fit
'Cause I watched them fall away
Mildewed and smouldering
Fundamental differing
Pure intention juxtaposed will set
Two lovers souls in motion
Disintegrating as it goes
Testing our communication
The light that fuelled a fire
That has burned a hole
Between us so
We cannot seem to reach an end
Crippling our communication
I know the pieces fit
'Cause I watched them tumble down
No fault, none to blame
It doesn't mean I don't desire
To point the finger, blame the other
Watch the temple topple over
To bring the pieces back together
Rediscover communication

The poetry that comes from
The squaring off between
And the circling is worth it
Finding beauty in the dissonance

There was a time that the pieces fit
But I watched them fall away
Mildewed and smouldering
Strangled by our coveting
I've done the math enough to know
The dangers of our second-guessing
Doomed to crumble unless we grow
And strengthen our communication

Cold silence has a tendency
To atrophy any sense of compassion
Between supposed lovers
Between supposed lovers

I know the pieces fit (x7)
And I know the pieces fit

vipasha said...

hmmmm... happens..go whack his head n start talkin again

Moonlight n Magnolias said...

Happens de.... thats the problem.... most often, we speak too soon, and dont realise that it hurts the other person until much later... and by then, its already too late :(

Elithraniel Arawion said...

yeah...

Chriz said...

go give him a BIG HUGGGGG. he should read this blog..

FancyLancey said...

awww :(

send him a link to this blogsite